at fourteen my first kiss was a boy who was also my best friend and we were only connecting lips because we were both convinced that if we didn’t we’d be the last unkissed kids the funny thing is that when other people hear about this they never say “you were too young for that sort of thing”
at fifteen i was shaky hands and pulling a girl against me, i was so sure that if i breathed too deeply it would all fall apart i was so sure about her but the funny thing is when i said “i think i’m bisexual” all i heard was “i think you’re just experimenting” it’s a good joke because i must have been no wonder she was always on my brain
see but nobody really believes you and that’s the worst part because no matter who you end up with, you’ve got a split arrow heart and i was sixteen the first time i heard my first boyfriend tell me “i’m scared one day i’ll wake up and you’ll have left me for someone else. it’s too much competition” oh god but i was so devoted before then how do you prove that you’re a good person if everyone thinks you’re out to get them
when i was seventeen the words “i wish i had been born all one way it would be so much easier if i’d just been gay or i’d just been straight” literally came out of my mouth because my house was a den of wasps where i would hear my father soapbox about how gay marriage was ruining the world and when i turned to the people who were supposed to be in my community, they all told me i wasn’t “really” gay, that i had to leave - what am i, then? what defines me?
how many parties do i have to sit through where big-smiling boys ask me for a threesome how many times do i need to see the “bisexuality is a phase” message scrawled on my tv how many people need to erase me how many times do i have to prove that i believe in monogamy how many times do we have to get punched before this is real and this is something that people feel how much more do i have to suffer before others realize i’m drowning i’m not treading water
i’m twenty-one and my boyfriend knows i like girls and very few other people do. i don’t “pretend” to be straight and i don’t say i’m gay. i don’t like how the conversation goes when i admit i’m this way. i don’t talk about who i like or what i find attractive. i don’t make a scene. i’ve learned how people react and it saddens me.
i know this is a small cry against a very loud voice. but please. i like all genders, and it isn’t a choice. i’m not “choosing” men right now because i’m in love. i don’t know what else to tell you. i know it won’t be enough.